We are less than two weeks into the new year, and I – like many of you, I hope – am loosening my grip on my resolve to do better and be better. Here are the resolutions I fear I’m falling short on:
– Stop trying to look like Kim Kardashian and just look like Kim Kardashian.
– Secure a multi-million dollar recording contract.
– Wear less: urine, Spanx, food in my teeth, Medium stickers on my shirts, and hairties that got lost in my hair.
– Wear more: zipped pants.
– Scream less: For the love of everything holy, can we get through a goddamn doorway faster than the Texas A&M marching band?
– Also scream less: This laundry room is about to see an NHL lockout situation!
– Leave less iPads on the front lawn.
– Take Savannah Guthrie’s job. So we don’t have to hear the name Savannah anymore.
– Eat more: meals at the table.
– Eat less: In the bathroom and in general.
– Learn to ask where a lot of things are instead of just the pharmacy in Spanish.
– Learn where all the cowboy’s have gone.
– Make Rick Moranis famous again.
– Stop clicking: my nails and links entitled “Shark Tank Explodes Inside Mall In China.”
– Dabble in the exotic large animal trade. Except Silver Backs; They seem temperamental.
– Watch that Jessica Simpson movie that grossed $24 bucks and some Swedish Fish sales.
– Popularize hand signals while driving.
– Visit a polar ice cap. And stop them from melting.
– Visit a fiscal cliff. And stop things from falling off it.
– Bear witness to a Sea World orca trainer attack.
– Gather Hilary Clinton’s hair into a high ponytail.
– Stop eating food off the free sample plates and pretending I didn’t know they were 90% covered in pee.
– Wonder less about why I bought a Jennifer Convertibles sofa.
– Perfect my Diane Rehm voice.
– Talk to my Navy Seal brother over Skype without signing off, “You know, I was the favorite child before you had to go become a national emblem of heroism. But whatever. I still have better hair.”
– Campaign for Obama’s re-election.
– Remove ‘refried beans’ from the Special Skills section of my resume.
Also, I’m performing live at the Camden Opera House on January 26th. Buy your tickets online and come to the show. I’m gonna teach you some stuff; You’ll never be the same.