I’m Resolved

– Eat yogurt every day without gagging because you thought of the word ‘curd‘ and cursing anyone you have ever met who is Greek.

– Stop asking your husband if he has showered yet this day. Apply earnest effort to curb asking which day he expects he will shower.

– Adopt a charitable cause beyond returning the grocery cart to its parking lot island.

– Stop putting things on the roof of the car.  In the last year, you’ve lost a laptop, 2 sets of keys, 3 pairs of shoes, and 478 sippy cups.

– Imagine the people in the 5:45am exercise class naked instead of slaughtered.

– Stop pretending you watch Dancing With The Stars just to have conversation topics with strangers. You’re never going to understand what Style Points are and they know this.

– Buy a single pair of pants that don’t make your ass look like two sacks of nickels.

– Learn a unique hobby, like iron smelting or moonshining.

– Bestow your cellulite pockets names because, let’s face it, they’re not going anywhere so you might as well be friends.

– Like they say to dance like no one is watching, try to run like a rapist is watching.

– Buy a pumice stone. Use a pumice stone. Somewhere in between, learn how to use a pumice stone.

– Remember that you only live once so be a little dangerous this year. Merge without signaling or eat grocery store sushi.

– Grow cuticles.

– Wear less urine.

– Stop telling people you have a yeast infection because you’re sure they can tell just by looking at you.

– Defriend Facebook friends who post photos of their twice-baked potatoes.

– Make senior citizen friends. Related: Talk about ‘black ice’ and other dangerous road conditions more.