Oh, Valentine’s Day

I know Valentine’s Day is stupid.
Perhaps we shouldn’t buy into something that was hatched by Hallmark to raise revenue.
It is designated a holiday by calendars the world over, though.
Which is more than I can say about the Super Bowl.
That was invented by guys who sustained a lot of cranial trauma.

I hear you, we don’t need one day to recognize our love for each other.
But I wasn’t exactly feeling it last Wednesday when you told me beige wasn’t my best color.
Or when you asked me to rub your belly while you ate chicken wings.
Or when we spent our date night using Turbo Tax.

It’s not about forced gift giving because I don’t get you anything other than a card.
So yes, it is exactly like our anniversary.
The only difference is that you can actually remember the date.

I don’t need anything big or sparkly.
Unless you want to give me something big or sparkly.
Because I was actually lying when I said I didn’t need anything big or sparkly.

Whatever you do, just don’t get me apparel.
The last time you went down this road it ended with an XL T-shirt that read “Chicago Girl”
Which was weird since I’m from Arizona.
And we lived in New York.
I’ve only ever been to Chicago a few times for work.

How about a cleaning lady?
I realize the day is meant to commemorate love.
But my love for her would be deep and abiding.
And maybe even sexual if she disinfects sinks.

I haven’t forgotten the ice cream maker you bought me.
That was a wonderful gift.
Because I’d been thinking I’d like to dedicate more time to churning.
It proved useful as I needed a storage solution for my shoes.

I noticed on Facebook that your friend Drew designed a Scavenger Hunt Of Love for his wife.
It doesn’t matter if everyone thinks Drew is actually gay.
He’s gay and really good at footwear and choosing TV series and at Valentine’s Day.
No, sending me a request to join you in Words With Friends is not the same.

It’s fine that you have to work late.
The kids made me some shit out of construction paper.
And I bought myself a sheet cake.
The frosting reads, “I’d Still Do You.”
I’m gonna spend my night eating it and dancing like Nell.


(Happy Valentine’s Day, friends. I hope you like your Rite Aid chocolate. xxoo)