We are less than two weeks into the new year, and I – like many of you, I hope – am loosening my grip on my resolve to do better and be better. Here are the resolutions I fear I’m falling short on:
- Stop trying to look like Kim Kardashian and just look like Kim Kardashian.
- Secure a multi-million dollar recording contract.
- Wear less: urine, Spanx, food in my teeth, Medium stickers on my shirts, and hairties that got lost in my hair.
- Wear more: zipped pants.
- Scream less: For the love of everything holy, can we get through a goddamn doorway faster than the Texas A&M marching band?
- Also scream less: This laundry room is about to see an NHL lockout situation!
- Leave less iPads on the front lawn.
- Take Savannah Guthrie’s job. So we don’t have to hear the name Savannah anymore.
- Eat more: meals at the table.
- Eat less: In the bathroom and in general.
- Learn to ask where a lot of things are instead of just the pharmacy in Spanish.
- Learn where all the cowboy’s have gone.
- Make Rick Moranis famous again.
- Stop clicking: my nails and links entitled “Shark Tank Explodes Inside Mall In China.”
- Dabble in the exotic large animal trade. Except Silver Backs; They seem temperamental.
- Watch that Jessica Simpson movie that grossed $24 bucks and some Swedish Fish sales.
- Popularize hand signals while driving.
- Visit a polar ice cap. And stop them from melting.
- Visit a fiscal cliff. And stop things from falling off it.
- Bear witness to a Sea World orca trainer attack.
- Gather Hilary Clinton’s hair into a high ponytail.
- Stop eating food off the free sample plates and pretending I didn’t know they were 90% covered in pee.
- Wonder less about why I bought a Jennifer Convertibles sofa.
- Perfect my Diane Rehm voice.
- Talk to my Navy Seal brother over Skype without signing off, “You know, I was the favorite child before you had to go become a national emblem of heroism. But whatever. I still have better hair.”
- Campaign for Obama’s re-election.
- Remove ‘refried beans’ from the Special Skills section of my resume.
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Also, I’m performing live at the Camden Opera House on January 26th. Buy your tickets online and come to the show. I’m gonna teach you some stuff; You’ll never be the same.
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