No One Puts Babysitter In The Corner

I spend a lot of time discussing with my friends the virtues of good babysitters and the vices of bad ones. More often than not, the conversations end with one of them declaring, “That just never would have happened when I was a babysitter.” To which I always reply, “Thank God I didn’t have an iPhone, though.” If I had a phone the way all the teenagers do now, I can only imagine the text messages I would have sent parents:

- Is chocolate really, really bad for dogs? Or is that more of a personal choice?

- Do you really allow the kids to watch Basic Instinct? I probably should have asked you this 122 minutes ago.

- The kid up the street came over and I heard him telling Jimmy that the school nurse found some moving white stuff in his hair with a pencil today.

- Do you know your neighbor’s wireless password? Network is PadThaiPorno.

- I didn’t feed them because I was worried they might be gluten-free, nut-free, cassein-free, and wheat-free.

- The king bed upstairs isn’t for all of them to sleep in because that’s what they said before they all feel asleep in it…?

- I didn’t realize Michael Bolton had a Greatest Hits album.

- They’d told me they’d never tried Red Bull and I saw a real teaching moment there.

- You did know that I am not CPR certified?

- The carbon monoxide detector kept beeping so I just banged it with the end of the mop till it stopped.

- I said that I charge $5 an hour but that was before we’d established that your kid likes to play Candyland for 3 hours straight and that you don’t have a dishwasher.

- Emma has a boy over, who she said was her Spanish tutor, which I’m assuming to be true since I keep hearing “mi amor” coming from her bedroom.

- What color is their vomit normally?

- If it’s not too much to ask, could you not drink too much, Mrs. Williams, so you could drive me home because Mr. Williams always asks me uncomfortable questions that start with, “I don’t know what your proclivities are…”

- Could we discuss a diarrhea-based hourly raise?

- How is ‘blunt head trauma’ really defined? Related: Your countertops are really much higher and more slippery than normal ones.

- It would have been nice if you could have left money for the pizza delivery man because I had to pay him in gold from your jewelry case.

(Crazy texts from your babysitter?)