I Like To Make Gynecologists Question Their Life Choices

- Why is it called an Intrauterine Device? Are there batteries? Or ticking? Will Tom Cruise ever need to defuse it?

- This diagram looks like someone has a wishbone lodged in their heart, which actually almost happened to me one Thanksgiving.

- So copper immobilizes the sperm? That’s funny because copper also immobilizes my bank account.

- Will I get taller from this? I’m asking for a friend.

- On the pain scale of Running a Marathon Over Hot Embers to Watching Val Kilmer Pretend To Be Blind, where is this going to fall?

- Could you not use the word ‘insertion’ so long as I’m in this office?

- I once saw an IUD on the asphalt of a Burlington Coat Factory parking lot so I’m assuming they can just fall right out if you get excited about discounts?

- If this lasts for 10 years, can I just renew it along with my passport?

- Sometimes a local anesthetic is used? When it comes to the numbing of my cervix, always is really more in line with my philosophy.

- I need to locate a string in there every month? I can’t even find my keys and they’re attached to a tennis ball.

- I see it does not cause weight gain, but can it explain weight gain?

- Did you just tell me to try to relax? You should try saying that before you’re holding that speculum like an angry sock puppet.

- You needn’t worry about me trying to remove it myself. I don’t even take my contact lenses out at night.

- If I get pregnant despite this procedure, I’m naming the baby Mirena. Even if it’s a boy.

- Can you just get that thing in there right now because I’m really rarely not pregnant and I’d like to capitalize on this moment.