The Average Couple Tackling Cosmo’s 30 Day Sex Challenge

Day 1: Are we going to actually start this challenge right now? Or just wait till tomorrow? I have to be limber for pilates in the morning so let’s wait till tomorrow.

Day 2: Okay, that was nice.

Day 3: There is a financial prize to be won for completing this challenge, right?

Day 4: You want to do this again? Is it your birthday today?

Day 5: Let’s try something really exotic tonight, like making falafel.

Day 6: Contrary to what you’ve been told, Justin Timberlake is not like cherry vanilla lube to my ears.

Day 7: This Macbook Air is like the Iron Curtain to my NATO tonight.

Day 8: I have a really fertile feeling. Like the banks of the Tigris-Euphrates River. Just the wearing of matching bra and underwear would result in an unwanted pregnancy.

Day 9: Sorry, first day of my period. I just want to eat mayonnaise with a spoon.

Day 10: I took a bunch of expired Motrin so I’m going to just lay on the bathroom floor and monitor toxicity symptoms.

Day 11: I’m at peak uterine lining shed.

Day 12: I just want a goddamn red tent and a wise, old woman who knows how to keep a fire going.

Day 13: I’m really more of an 8-day flow kind of girl. Those women who say 4 are all anemic and eat gummy worms for meals.

Day 14: Don’t even look at me. I feel like an Asian water buffalo during fly season. Just allow me to wallow.

Day 15: I would have been in the mood if you hadn’t left out your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition with Brooklyn Decker on the cover. My self-esteem balloon deflated rapidly and now I don’t feel safe or supported or cherished as the Lunar Goddess I am.

Day 16: No.

Day 17: Just one more Big Bang Theory, and then I swear, I’ll let you big bang me.

Day 18: Feel like messing around? Well, why did you eat a Grande combination plate of fajitas and enchiladas?

Day 19: Let’s really light up the bedroom tonight! No, not like that. Like this picture of ambient bedroom lighting I re-pinned.

Day 20: I sent you a photo of me trying on new rain boots today, which is the same as sexting, which is the same as sex.

Day 21: Can we just watch this cooking show on the essence of peas?

Day 22: Why is your brother on our couch?

Day 23: How could you have forgotten it’s book club tonight? You were specifically assigned guacamole duty.

Day 24: Ohhh, I would have, but I just started a teeth whitening cycle.

Day 25: I know, I know, but I’m in the middle of this Downton Abbey disc. I have to finish it or you’re never going downtown to my abbey again.

Day 26: Sting and Trudie would be disgusted by us. The second hand of the clock is the only carnal challenge they need.

Day 27: It’s not happening because you made me watch Game of Thrones. It’s sexual and violent and usually at the same time so now I need to go drink some green tea and do my mirror self-affirmations.

Day 28: Maybe we should tackle one of those 30 day fitness challenges instead? So long as there’s no sit-ups.

Day 29: Could you unclog my bathroom sink? Would I be holding a plunger if I’d intended that as a sexual metaphor?

Day 30: That was great! I feel so much closer and connected and alive. Like those people who survive a horrific accident and awake in the tundra and have to eat the frozen butt cheeks of their perished travel companions and sleep on top of each other to keep from freezing until a rescue team recovers them half-dead and delusional a month later.