To The Mothers…

Happy Sleep 14 Extra Minutes Day!

Happy Your Husband Can’t Bitch About Brunch Day!

Happy Burnt Toast and Dandelion Day!

Happy Your Acknowledgement Is Over By 9:15am Day!

Happy Why Exactly Are We Taking a Hike Day!

Happy You Got Some Shit Made Out of Construction Paper Day!

Happy You’re Still Changing 8 Diapers Today Day!

Happy Thank God Gift Receipts Were Invented Day!

Happy At Least It’s Not NFL Season Day!

Happy Ray Charles Would Have Made Better Pancakes Than This Day!

Happy Can We Just Get Through This One Meal Without Grease Stains On My Gloria Vanderbilt Tunic Day!

Happy You Get To Choose The OnDemand Movie But It Still Needs To Feature Russell Crowe Day!

Happy Even The Strangers At Church Would Have Given You A Rose Day!

Happy No One Expects You To Do The Dishes But They’re Not Doing Them Either Day!

Happy Mothers Day to all the women shaping the people who make all the above absurdity worthwhile.