What I’d Like To Say…

Why do I have to eat slower?

Because there are 12 more hours till bedtime and I’ve got nothing else on this agenda.

Why do I have to go to school?

If you showed some innate mastery of anything mathematical or scientific, I might let you skip school from time to time, but the only arena in which you are demonstrating any prowess is turning your eyelids inside out.

Why do I have to go to bed?

Because Santa Claus can’t come in 9 months until you are asleep.

Why do we have to leave the park?

Because your sister shit her pants an hour and a half ago.

Why do I have to wear these dress clothes?

Because we are compensating for the last time we saw these people, when you put three rolls of toilet paper in their toilet and sent their blind cat out into the wild.

Why can’t I wear overalls?

Because you might as well wear the sign ‘Future Premature Ejaculator’.

Why don’t I have a cool name like Harvest?

Because my prenatal regiment didn’t include acetone.

Why can’t I play in the front yard alone?

Because I don’t like the band of men I see going into the house next door. I’m fairly certain it’s not a Rotary meeting.

Why do I have to eat vegetables?

Because people who don’t eat vegetables wind up living in an abandoned bus, shooting tin cans off their friends’ heads and don’t know how to read the instructions posted on the fire extinguisher, the very instrument that would have saved their life when they fell asleep with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

Why are you coloring your hair?

Because my budget for salon color jobs is deprioritized every month for your extracurriculars, like gymnastics, despite the reality that you would be out-handspringed by Nadia Comanechi when she was overweight and drinking bleach for fun.

Why did you marry Dad?

Because he’s a smart and good man who didn’t have unreasonable sexual demands.