Wife Words – Vol. 7

If you receive an email from a former boyfriend, curious about how life is treating you these days, it’s important to play it cool. Respond with an air of breezy indifference and smug contentedness. I recommend the following statements to close the letter and assert your self-actualization:

I still fit in my college pants with a pair of Spanx and a bungee cord,

My therapist said he’d do me if it weren’t for the patient-doctor trust we’ve established,

Our wireless network is called BigDaddy10 (wink),

No, I don’t listen to Toni Braxton and cry anymore…much,

If you want to know more about my rich and blessed life, here’s a link to my blog…,

A homeless man in an eye patch saw me holding my wrapped restaurant meal and told me I look like Angelina Jolie recently,

Sorry it took me 6 minutes to respond; I’m extremely busy with the demands of life and a startup jewelry business,

You may have been right about that Anthropology major but I have 340 friends on Facebook,

You don’t need to apologize for ending things like a dick; I only waited at the airport for you for 14 hours,

Just to clarify, I didn’t sleep with your older brother. And if that wasn’t a cloudy point for you, just forget I mentioned it,

Size 0 (the 1 is silent),

Maybe my husband takes me on dates to the Chinese buffet where one of us dines free, but at least he takes me out in public,

Your wife is pretty. If you’re into that sort of look,

 

—–