To Be A Babysitter Today

REASONS I CANCELLED A BABYSITTING JOB WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER:

– Day of my first period because I believed I’d sustained an internal injury and was hemorrhaging
– The dad looked like he was considering revealing his penis the last time he drove me home

REASONS MY BABYSITTERS CANCEL:

– Mental health day
– Boyfriend needs a mental health day
– The vernal equinox
– Forgot they were going to Beijing
– The SATs are in 7 weeks
– Weather forecast calls for .000032 inches of snow
– Prom is in 4 months
– Finale of Gossip Girl
– Victory Over Japan Day
– Tiffanee (who they never ever ever ever see) is coming into town
– Exceeded their text messaging plan
– Tired from shopping and forgetting to eat all day
– PMS
– Twilight premieres
– Twilight is still playing
– Twilight is available for rental

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THINGS I BROUGHT WITH ME AS TEENAGE BABYSITTER:

– The number to Poison Control

THINGS MY BABYSITTERS BRING:

– Ipod
– Ipad
– Headphones
– The password to my wireless network
– Cosmo
– Nail polish
– Sushi
– Tiffannee who they never ever ever ever see

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THINGS I SAID I’D NEVER DO AS A TEENAGE BABYSITTER:

– Shake the baby
– Steal the valuables

THINGS MY BABYSITTERS SAY THEY WILL NEVER DO:

– Dishes
– Cooking
– Fold laundry
– Watch Disney movies
– Bake foods with gluten

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FORMS OF PAYMENT I ACCEPTED AS A TEENAGE BABYSITTER:

– Travelers Checks
– Canadian quarters
– Thin Mints
– Advice about not getting pregnant
– An Upper Respiratory Infection
– Leftover pizza
– Rides home
– Not telling my mother that I fell asleep on the couch

FORMS OF PAYMENT MY BABYSITTERS ACCEPT:

– Cash with tip

 

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