To Be A Babysitter Today

REASONS I CANCELLED A BABYSITTING JOB WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER:

- Day of my first period because I believed I’d sustained an internal injury and was hemorrhaging
- The dad looked like he was considering revealing his penis the last time he drove me home

REASONS MY BABYSITTERS CANCEL:

- Mental health day
- Boyfriend needs a mental health day
- The vernal equinox
- Forgot they were going to Beijing
- The SATs are in 7 weeks
- Weather forecast calls for .000032 inches of snow
- Prom is in 4 months
- Finale of Gossip Girl
- Victory Over Japan Day
- Tiffanee (who they never ever ever ever see) is coming into town
- Exceeded their text messaging plan
- Tired from shopping and forgetting to eat all day
- PMS
- Twilight premieres
- Twilight is still playing
- Twilight is available for rental

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THINGS I BROUGHT WITH ME AS TEENAGE BABYSITTER:

- The number to Poison Control

THINGS MY BABYSITTERS BRING:

- Ipod
- Ipad
- Headphones
- The password to my wireless network
- Cosmo
- Nail polish
- Sushi
- Tiffannee who they never ever ever ever see

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THINGS I SAID I’D NEVER DO AS A TEENAGE BABYSITTER:

- Shake the baby
- Steal the valuables

THINGS MY BABYSITTERS SAY THEY WILL NEVER DO:

- Dishes
- Cooking
- Fold laundry
- Watch Disney movies
- Bake foods with gluten

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FORMS OF PAYMENT I ACCEPTED AS A TEENAGE BABYSITTER:

- Travelers Checks
- Canadian quarters
- Thin Mints
- Advice about not getting pregnant
- An Upper Respiratory Infection
- Leftover pizza
- Rides home
- Not telling my mother that I fell asleep on the couch

FORMS OF PAYMENT MY BABYSITTERS ACCEPT:

- Cash with tip

 

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