– Eat yogurt every day without gagging because you thought of the word ‘curd‘ and cursing anyone you have ever met who is Greek.
– Stop asking your husband if he has showered yet this day. Apply earnest effort to curb asking which day he expects he will shower.
– Adopt a charitable cause beyond returning the grocery cart to its parking lot island.
– Stop putting things on the roof of the car. In the last year, you’ve lost a laptop, 2 sets of keys, 3 pairs of shoes, and 478 sippy cups.
– Imagine the people in the 5:45am exercise class naked instead of slaughtered.
– Stop pretending you watch Dancing With The Stars just to have conversation topics with strangers. You’re never going to understand what Style Points are and they know this.
– Buy a single pair of pants that don’t make your ass look like two sacks of nickels.
– Learn a unique hobby, like iron smelting or moonshining.
– Bestow your cellulite pockets names because, let’s face it, they’re not going anywhere so you might as well be friends.
– Like they say to dance like no one is watching, try to run like a rapist is watching.
– Buy a pumice stone. Use a pumice stone. Somewhere in between, learn how to use a pumice stone.
– Remember that you only live once so be a little dangerous this year. Merge without signaling or eat grocery store sushi.
– Grow cuticles.
– Wear less urine.
– Stop telling people you have a yeast infection because you’re sure they can tell just by looking at you.
– Defriend Facebook friends who post photos of their twice-baked potatoes.
– Make senior citizen friends. Related: Talk about ‘black ice’ and other dangerous road conditions more.
(Yours? AND ALSO…I LOVE YOU PEOPLE. ALL OF YOU.)