Textual Relations

The local paper ran a piece that got me thinking. This is rare since their reporting is usually limited to fascinating announcements like the fudge shop is now offering a staggering 17 flavors or that 5 out of 5 polled residents would engage in sexual relations on the Fenway field if given the opportunity. This particular day, however, they printed a list of text acronyms that would appeal to the middle-aged cell phone user, such nuggets as ROFLCGU which means Rolling On The Floor Laughing, Can’t Get Up.

Reading the list got me thinking about my dreadful telephone relationship with my husband, G. I’ve written before about the many ways G and I are ill suited to remote communication. Neither of us particularly enjoys speaking on the phone in ideal conditions, but introduce – on my end – three children trying to kill themselves in the bathroom the instant I bring the receiver to my ear and – on his end – a bunch of people in suits clamoring to get sign-off on budgets, and you’ve got a couple praying that a cell phone-induced brain tumor makes one of us drop dead immediately.  As a result, we’ve taken to texting each other. Because nothing says romance like the red blink of a blackberry containing misspelled questions and commands.

Here is a list of handy text shorthand for your marriage.

HIM:  HAK?  (How are kids?)

YOU:  CFV  (Crying, fighting, vomiting)

HIM:  SFC?  (Stop for Condoms?)

YOU:  NSFIC  (Nah, Stop for Ice Cream)

HIM:  RL  (Running late)

YOU:  REL  (Running even later)

HIM:  BGOT  (Big game on tonight)

YOU:  TWSBWC  (That’s why sports bars were created)

HIM:  AYSM?  (Are you spending money?)

YOU:  LTAWIS  (Let’s talk about what I’m saving)

HIM:  WAYW?  (What are you wearing?)

YOU:  SWTFE?  (Sweats, what the fuck else?)

HIM:  WLT  (Working late tonight)

YOU:  SYBPOYJIYDLN  (Sending your boss photos of your junk if you don’t leave now)

YOU:  ATNA?  (At Target, need anything?)

HIM:  NAEHTC  (No, and empty half the cart)

HIM:  AKA?  (Are kids asleep?)

YOU:   NTHSLAW2B  (No, they have the stamina of Lance Armstrong with 2 balls)

HIM:  WRU?  (Where are you?)

YOU:  SEWIGSPL  (Stress-eating and weeping in the grocery store parking lot)

HIM:  WFD?  (What’s for dinner?)

YOU:  Pretend your phone died

(Which ones do you need?)