A few friends have gotten married recently and have had very humorous tales from their honeymoon. It’s had me thinking about honeymoons in general, particularly how unpredictably disappointing ours was. One day I’ll share that tale, but in the meantime, I’d like to focus on the predictably bad honeymoons of the couples below.
Barely 18 and Probably Pregnant – Judd and Ashlee. Their Justice of the Peace ceremony is concluded with a progressive dinner in which everyone in their trailer park hosts one phase of the meal, each welcoming the tipsy couple into their fenced synthetic turf. They enjoy a raucous evening feasting on squirrel roast and fried Twinkies and playing drunken Cornhole and Seven Minutes of Heaven because that’s a completely reasonable game to play till they can afford wedding rings. Judd spells ‘Ashlee 4 Eva’ in Coors Lite cans while the glassy eyed female onlookers sniffle, “I hope I find me one like him. He was always a gentleman, asking me first if I minded him telling the Shoney’s waitress that I qualified for the Senior Discount since he was saving up for that Ford Extended Cab.” The couple heads out the next morning, belongings stowed in the bed covered by tarp, to the lake where they’ll cook hot dogs over open flame and sleep in a tent that Judd won in a card game. When Judd awakes to Ashlee vomiting for the third straight morning, he’ll whisper that he’d like to stay at the lake forever. She gently reminds him that he has to be in court to appeal a DUI and she is scheduled to take the GED. Plus, she points out, they haven’t told her parents about the wedding yet.
Middle Aged Dog Owners – Leonard and Nancy. The honeymoon is delayed 2 days since Leonard’s dog Stew swallowed a wedding band during the ring exchange despite countless practice runs in which it remained perfectly perched on his snout. They also needed to ensure the flower girl that was nipped by Nancy’s dog, Miss Lippy, tests negative for rabies since Miss Lippy is on a modified vaccine schedule. Once the ring is retrieved and power washed and the toddler deemed non-rabid, they set off in their Air Stream for their tour of dog-friendly B&Bs through the Carolinas. Leonard and Nancy sit up front in matching Golden Retriever sweatshirts that read ‘Bred For Each Other.‘ Miss Lippy and Stew exchange growls as they gnaw on rawhides from the back. Leonard and Nancy elect for takeout since most restaurants forbid canines despite their insistence that Stew and Miss Lippy are both potty and salad fork trained. Back at their hotel, the canines claim the queen beds after intensive fur brushing, leaving Nancy and Stew to make do with the pull-out sofa. Stew and Miss Lippy watch, tongues wagging, as Leonard and Nancy do the nasty. You can guess in what style.
Comatose Senior With Buxom Buddy – Milton and Sassy. They had planned to jet off to the French Riveria but Milton’s doctor advised against flying due to his risk for deep vein thrombosis. Instead they go to Wine Country where Sassy sips Pinot Noir through a straw and makes eyes at the hunky sommelier while Milton inquires after the sodium content of the soup du jour. Milton must return to the hotel room each day by 3pm to receive his B12 injections from his traveling nurse. They eat dinner at 2pm, lunch at 10:30am, and breakfast the night before. Milton assures Sassy that he’s still a Bronco in the sack while throwing back a handful of Viagra, but he has appreciated her desire to wait until their wedding night to consummate their union, a surprising preference given her history as an escort. Sassy confirms once more that she has not been duped into signing a prenuptial agreement before applying a blindfold over her eyes and preparing to do a sensual massage with Bengay.
Upwardly Mobile Urban Professionals – Chas III and Meredith. They clink glasses of bubbly from their first class airline seats before adjusting their ergonomic neck pillows and lavender scented monogrammed eye masks. Meredith startles during her slumber, distraught that she didn’t leave her 4 carat diamond ring in the family vault. Chas assures her that Europeans are really quite dignified and that the Ritz Carlton has lock boxes for important guests. Meredith smiles reassured, and goads Chas into setting aside those legal briefs because her mother’s travel agent has issued a crowded itinerary for their two week tour of Europes’ castles and rivers. Chas agrees contingent upon Mer’s commitment to ignoring urgent pleas from her personal assistant about client portfolio concerns and the renovation of their loft. They stroll through museums, buy antiques that must be shipped, eat foods that they pronounce more eloquently than the locals. By the third night, it occurs to them that they have not had sex yet so they remove each other’s custom tailored apparel and commence with relations. While each checks their stock gains on Blackberry.
Interracial Lovers – Lamar and Amy. They board their cruise through the Caribbean, he excited to gamble and try that onboard surfing simulator and she eager to swim with dolphins and stand on the mast like Kate Winslet. They start each day with a couples massage, their hands clasped between the tables. They consume Daiquiris and Jerk Chicken and notice that everywhere they go they can’t shake the feeling that their shipmates are staring at them. It starts to bother Amy and Lamar, but they draw comfort in the realization that while these folks wear SPF 400 and look retarded with beaded hair, their progeny will look exactly like Halle Berry. So fuck off.
The Do Overs – Mark and Stacey. Each still bearing the flesh wounds of previous marriages ended badly, they decide this partnership will need some potent magic to last. They travel to the most magical place they can think of…and can afford to bring their collective 9 children. The Magic Kingdom. They spend the days battling lines and doing head count. They eat peanut butter sandwiches that have been sneaked into the park while Mark and Stacey wonder if the eldest, a pre-teen, can handle babysitting the other 8 kids so that they may have a solo dinner at Epcot’s Chinese restaurant that promises to be exactly like dining in Hong Kong. They settle for their own boat through It’s A Small World, but just as their lips are about to meet for the first kiss they’ve shared since the reception, they hear screams from their kids who have capsized their boat and are already cannibalizing each other. Step-siblings square off over Mickey Mouse ears while Stacey must keep reminding her son that he is now the brother of the girl he’s spent the last year drawing nudie cartoons of. They decide to stop short the vacation one night early since stomach flu has gripped half the brood and they still have to figure out how to fit 5 more kids and a parrot into Mark’s 3 bedroom condo.
(Which are you?)