Oh, Valentine’s Day

I know Valentine’s Day is stupid. Perhaps we shouldn’t buy into something that was hatched by Hallmark to raise revenue. It is designated a holiday by calendars the world over, though. Which is more than I can say about the … Continue reading

Can You Leave A Note For A Goat?

Hello – I clipped your car when pulling into the spot beside you. There’s no damage other than a scuff, but people are staring so I want them to believe I am leaving you my insurance information with this note. … Continue reading

A Freaky Thing To Do

I’m preparing to do a live show this weekend. The show is a little bit David Sedaris in that I read some humor essays. It’s a little Chelsea Handler when I make fun of celebrities and use foul language. And … Continue reading

How’s Your List Holding Up?

We are less than two weeks into the new year, and I – like many of you, I hope – am loosening my grip on my resolve to do better and be better. Here are the resolutions I fear I’m … Continue reading

Next Year I’m Getting Him A Beijing Escort

When people ask Greg how long he’s been married, he declares without faltering, “40 years.” It’s such a sweet sentiment to overhear at a cocktail party, like when he tells people if Whining During Pregnancy were an Olympic sport I’d … Continue reading

Finding Cheesus

I have been thinking that I’d like to go back to church. It’s been a vague desire in my mind for a few years, but one that has been amplified lately by the increasingly verbal state of my children. I … Continue reading

No One Puts Babysitter In The Corner

I spend a lot of time discussing with my friends the virtues of good babysitters and the vices of bad ones. More often than not, the conversations end with one of them declaring, “That just never would have happened when … Continue reading

I’m Nearsighted, Not Clear Sighted

I recently learned that a friend of mine is a clairvoyant. A psychic clairvoyant, to be precise. I don’t yet know the distinction, but I’m sure it’s better than just being a brunette clairvoyant or a tall clairvoyant. Although being … Continue reading

Things to Bring to Thanksgiving Other Than a Side Dish

Finally settle the question “Where are they going?” by bringing a drifter home for the holidays. A calculator to tally everyone’s caloric intake. Write the total on each person’s hand with a red pen and a wince. A life-size cardboard … Continue reading

I’m on Acid

The dentist hunched over the X-rays of my teeth, which were magnified and back-lit for everyone in the office – but me – to see. He furrowed his brow and methodically stroked his mustache before swiveling his stool in my … Continue reading